Alphonso – Laughing with Old Abe

Laughing With Old Abe

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JOKES

A.T. KABAMBAY

ILLUSTRATED BY CHRISTOPHER J. fredricks

WHAT YOU NEVER KNOW ABOUT OUR MOST COMIC PRESIDENT

Expertly written by a passionate historian researcher

Introduction

Knowing he had insufficient troops, General Ulysses S. I\Grant was waiting for General Don Carlos Buell in Shiloh, Tennessee, before attacking Confederate General Albert Sidney Johnston’s army. While Grant was camping quietly, Johnston launched a surprise attack before Buell arrived. Despite his inferior numbers, Grant engaged in battle by erecting a “hornet’s nest” along a small country road-the only unbroken battle line. Cutting the attackers to pieces, they resisted until the providential arrival of General Buell’s troops-reinforcements that made it possible to win the deadliest battle in the history of the United States of America to date. Without the epic resistance of “the hornet’s nest,” Grant’s army would have been overturned and drowned in the Tennessee River! Several officers accused Grant of having exposed his army to destruction. Without being ready and caught unawares, Grant engaged Johnston despite being outnumbered. This was not in accordance with military academy doctrine, which dictated that he should have retreated to save his army. In the wake of this incident, the debate over Grant’s alcoholism resurfaced.

Story

“Have you finally decided to give the command of the Army of the
Potomac to General Joseph Hooker?” asked Secretary of War Stanton
as he stood in the President’s office.

Old Abe nodded. “He is aggressive enough, but I don’t like the way he
criticizes his fellow generals.”

“Do you think he can compete with Lee?”

“I’m trying to figure out a way to motivate Hooker to work ‘a miracle’
and route Lee, who has managed to defeat all of his predecessors. But
so far, I don’t have an answer.”

“He who seeks will find, they say. We just have to keep thinking.”
Just then, Johnny, the President’s secretary, appeared at the door.
“General Hooker is here to see you, sir.”

“Alright, send him in,” Old Abe said.

As Stanton was leaving the President’s office, Hooker whipped past him
like a whirlwind. Old Abe invited him to take a seat.

“Sir, I have the utmost respect for General Ambrose Burnside,” said
Hooker

“As do I,” said Old Abe.

Hooker rose from the chair that the President had offered him and
began pacing the floor. “But I think he’s crazy, sir.”

“Nonetheless, you do have a great deal of respect for him, right?”

Hooker was too preoccupied with pacing back and forth to pick up on
the irony in the President’s question.

“Fortunately, he is no longer in command of the Army of the Potomac. I
will agree to replace him on one condition.”

“And what would that be?”

“That General Halleck be removed from office before I do so-because
he’ll just stab me in the back.”

“I’m not going to relieve the Chief of Army Staff anyway. But feel free to
send your reports directly to me so that he doesn’t ‘stab you in the
back.’ Are you satisfied with that?”

“Yes. In that case, I’ll accept the command.” Hooker sat back down and
faced the President, looking satisfied.

“Since we are on the subject of satisfaction,” said Old Abe, “let me say
that the only satisfaction to be had from this war has come from the
West-thanks to General Grant.”

“What!” shouted Hooker. “Grant should be fired from the Army! He’s
drunk all the time.”

“Just a minute, General,” said Old Abe. “Look at everything Grant does.
Does he do it drunk?”

“At Shiloh, he was obviously drunk!” cried Hooker. “When the enemy
took him by surprise, he was outnumbered, but instead of retreating to
save his army, he jumped into the fight, even though he was not ready.”
Hooker raised his voice. “It’s a miracle’ that he escaped-and won!”